Watching the
NFL versus the MLB
© 2005 BestShowTicketsLasVegas.com
Imagine placing two flat screen plasma TV’s
side by side in your living room smack dab in front
of your couch. You’ve got beer, snacks a-plenty
and fresh batteries in your clicker.
One TV has an NFL
game on and the other has a Major League Baseball
game and they both start at the same time.
Besides this being many sports fans’ idea of
hog heaven and even better than clicking back and
forth between games with only one TV, it’s fun
to watch the differences between these two pro sports.
Watching the NFL on TV is a weekly ritual; baseball
is on every night of the week, but watching the two
combined is almost as rewarding as joining a Cowboy
cheerleader snuggle-fest.
And that’s exactly what I did recently (not
the snuggle-fest, but the two TV’s thing). Here’s
what happened:
The football game started with a massive kick to
the opposing team, and a line of 250-pound plus men
with murder in their eyes started charging after the
poor slob who caught the ball. After a few seconds
he was crushed by his pursuers, becoming the bottom
man in a very scary adult male pig-pile. MLB players
tend to be a little mellower and less physical, but
all pro players in any sport need to be strong. Football
players take steroids, baseball players get caught.
Meanwhile, the MLB
game started off a little less exciting. My heart
rate and pulse began to slow down as I watched the
catcher and pitcher play catch as the batter just
stood there spitting and adjusting his crotch. I got
quickly bored and turned back to the NFL game.
In a matter of a three minute span two men had been
injured, with one having his ankle relocated to his
armpit. A touchdown was scored, the ball changed hands
twice, and a whole lot of tackling, smashing, crunching
and finger-breaking happened. Football
is more of an immediate gratification, ADD-friendly
game to watch.
I glanced back at the MLB game for a couple of minutes.
Two strikeouts and four fly outs came and went and
we were already in the second inning, with little
action to show for it. A baseball game is more of
a wise-old-man kind of sport, where patience and number-crunching
are paramount. It reveres serenity.
Football reveres mayhem. Watching football gets me
angry and all charged up. Watching baseball makes
me sleepy. In fact, I usually like to watch the first
two or three innings, fall asleep, and then wake up
to catch the last few innings. Watching football players
hit each other full force and light each other up
is exciting, and dozing is out of the question. Watching
one grown man with ball in glove chase another grown
man to tag him in a pickle is kind of funny.
As 10,000 commercials played on the football TV,
I had a few minutes to catch up on my MLB game. Finally,
in the bottom of the third, a man hit the ball and
dropped it in the right field gap for a single. All
the baseball players, including the guy running up
to first base, seemed quite pleasant. Why not be?
They were playing in a nice park, on a nice warm and
sunny day and no one had even broken a sweat yet.
The batter reached first base and started chatting
with the opposing team’s first baseman. They
started smiling and having a great time with each
other. My lip-reading skills are not what they used
to be but I think I saw one say to the other, “Hi
Johnny! How’s the wife doing? It’s been
a while since we saw her. We’ve got to get together
sometime soon.”
Growing restless, I turned back to the NFL
matchup just in time to see one man standing over
a writhing and groaning man on the turf. I think I
saw his lips yelling, “Hey Bruno, while we were
having breakfast together this morning, your wife
told me to tackle you into next Tuesday, did I do
a good job?”
In the very next play a running back was nailed in
a bone-splitting tackle. Indeed, his bone did split,
and then protruded right out of his bloody skin causing
a wave of nausea to spread over the crowd.
Fascinated but horrified, I quickly turned to the
baseball game and witnessed a wild pitch hit the batter
on the finger. The batter yelped and had to sit the
rest of the game out, his pinky was smarting.
To replace the bone-sticking-out-of-his-leg guy in
the NFL game, a bulky player with flowing dreadlocks
sticking out of his helmet started lumbering onto
the field. He had a huge cast on his arm that looked
like a big club. With the hand totally encased, forming
a big bulbous weapon, he shook it as his opponents
in defiance while possibly struggling to stick one
particular finger up, and then reluctantly joined
the huddle.
It was nearing the halftime and so many timeouts
had been called that they seemed to have run out of
commercials to play. So the cameras started scanning
the crowd. It was a lot colder where this game was
being held, and I could see people’s breath.
I also saw a guy in shorts and no shirt who had painted
his skin from head to toe in his NFL team’s
colors. His head was shaved and also painted, and
he was wearing a big pig’s nose on his face.
As I briefly scanned the crowd on the other TV, I
saw lots of people in button down, short sleeve shirts,
baseball caps and gloves on, waiting expectantly for
that ever-elusive foul ball.
The first half started to wind down in the NFL
game, and I actively awaited gratuitous shots
of hot cheerleaders. I was rewarded with lots of silly
pompom waving and cleavage. I then happily turned
back to the MLB game but only saw three heavy-set
women shoving sausage dogs and peanuts in their mouths.
At halftime I got a chance to go to the bathroom
and grab another cold beer and more snacks. There
is never a big break in baseball, and every time I
go to the bathroom while watching baseball
I always miss the big play, which of course happened
this time too.
My
MLB game continued to plod along when I got back,
inducing the unique ball-strike-out hypnotic state
that only baseball can cause. I was about to doze
off when I was jarred out of my trance by the flashy
touchdown dance I saw on my other TV. The guy who
just scored was moonwalking across the uprights while
flapping his arms like wings. He then proceeded to
do a magnificent swan dive which turned into a double
summersault with a twist and finally landed perfectly
on the field.
I then quickly caught the replay of the big baseball
play I had just missed. Someone hit a grand slam,
rounded the bases and was greeted by a big, warm,
bouncing-in-unison group hug.
After a while, both games ended and I had experienced
a full range of emotions. Both games are great to
watch and if you can get past the roller coaster ride
of stimulation, watching football and baseball simultaneously
is a blast. I decided to keep both plasma TV’s
in front of the couch permanently.
Though it would be difficult to determine which sport
would be better to watch when it comes to great matchups
like the Patriots
vs Colts, the Giants
vs the Jets,
Chargers
Raiders,
or Yankees
Red Sox, Cubs
White
Sox, or Mets
Yankees.
Finally, no football vs. baseball article could be
complete without mentioning one of the masters of
comedy and this subject, George Carlin. Here’s
a quote from Carlin’s famous monologue that
inspired this article:
“And finally, the objectives of the two games
are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also
known as the field general, to be on target with his
aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his
receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz,
even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes
and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory,
balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground
attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the
enemy's defensive line. In baseball the object is
to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe
at home! “
